There are few greater surges of joy and pride than when your child takes those first shaky steps. This is quickly followed by a realization that hits you like a sobering splash in the face: You have a toddler.
As the months pass between, roughly, ages one and four, you may find yourself observing your child’s often inexplicable behavior and wondering, “Is this normal? Did I birth a defective product?”
Here are some signs to look for to make sure your toddler is working properly.
1) An entire roll of toilet paper piled on the bathroom floor faster than it took for you to put on your shoes.
2) A deeply embarrassing display of wailing upon first encounter with a) someone very old, b) someone with a very different skin color than yours, or c) someone bald.
3) A poop that spreads down both thighs and halfway up the back, but somehow only soils a small section of the diaper. (Ninja poop!) *Note: While this may have happened during infancy, the difference now is that your toddler wants to stick his hands in it.
4) A targeted assault on a stranger’s baby at the park, music class, or other highly visible public setting—usually aimed at the victim’s eyes, and performed with a smile.
5) Vomit that waits until the first night Mommy has been dressed up for a party in six months and emerges with full force during the goodbye hug.
6) Whining, screeching, and kicking for 25 minutes of a 30-minute car ride, followed by 5 minutes of deep sleep, thereby eliminating any possibility of a nap upon arrival home.
7) Utter refusal to display a single one of the skills Mommy and Daddy have been boasting about when the grandparents call on FaceTime.
8) Intense fear of Santa/the Easter Bunny/every costumed character in existence when encountered in person.
9) Face-plant resulting in large bump or abrasion the morning of holiday/family photo shoot or other camera-heavy event.
10) Snail’s pace when walking anywhere that requires a specific arrival time. Then suddenly, in a busy parking lot or upon entering a crowded public event—BAM! Usain Bolt!
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