When I joined SFBAM almost 10 years ago, my eldest daughter, Ilse, was barely 1. Now, she is 11 and in the throes of puberty. I started preparing myself for this next phase of her life and my role in it three years ago. I heard from fellow parents that puberty was starting earlier for children, so I mentally prepared myself for the inevitable change. Two years ago, I noticed that Ilse’s breasts were developing. So we chatted about wearing a training bra and why she needed to. While it was uncomfortable and weird, Ilse obliged. Last year, puberty snuck up on Ilse with body odor, body hair growth, and the need for a new bra. Ilse struggled with this change. Ilse didn’t like that her body was changing. Ilse did not like the fact that she would have her period soon.
She thought all of puberty sucked. I can’t blame her. I still think it sucks too.
I remember that yucky, uncomfortable feeling too. It’s like everyone is looking at you. In Filipino culture, we use the word “dalaga” to refer to a young girl coming of age. I disliked that term, especially when I heard it from relatives. Nothing makes a girl feel more uncomfortable than hearing someone notice that her body is changing or that she is growing up. While the comment was not insulting, it made me feel weird nonetheless. I hear the word “dalaga” now, and I am once again that awkward, buck-toothed girl with the thick hair. I don’t use the word to describe my daughters or nieces. Life is awkward enough.
As a mother to daughters, I want puberty and growing up to be less painful and awkward.
At home, I focus on Ilse’s and Alice’s unique strengths and physical characteristics. I try to teach them to embrace their bodies as they are. We talk about being healthy, strong, smart, and kind. When we are those things, we are beautiful. We avoid negative body language, like “fat,” “skinny,” or “ugly.” Whenever I look at myself in the mirror when I dress, I resist the urge to pick at my jiggly belly and big shoulders, because it’s too easy to focus on the bits I dislike versus embrace my large breasts, butt, and long, curly hair.
Body acceptance and body love are a daily struggle.
In a perfect world, we would do both: accept our bodies and love our bodies. In truth, I think we tend to sway from body acceptance to body love. There are more days when I accept my body than when I love my body. My body acceptance and body love are rarely balanced. I imagine that holds true for Ilse too. In the meantime, I will walk this path with Ilse as carefully as I can. It won’t be easy, because puberty still sucks.
Postscript: Eventually, Ilse got her first period last year, last summer. I had the privilege of being with her when it happened.
