Every mom you know will have a lot of advice for you about what worked for their babies. This is good information, so lock it away somewhere. Please also know that almost none of these things will work for your baby. Swaddlers, blankets, pacifiers, bottles, even types of clothing: These are all subject to your baby’s persnickety little preferences. Don’t buy a whole bunch of Velcro swaddlers only to find that your baby can’t stand them, or ten newborn onesies with snaps before realizing that you prefer zippers. If you aren’t sure: Wait, and then Amazon.
1. A Wipe Warmer
This is a thing that you buy for $20 and then put your wipes in and plug into the wall, in order to warm wipes. Another (free) option for wipe warming is “scrunch the wipe in your hand five seconds.” Also, learning an analog technique means that you can change the baby anywhere that is not your home without stunning them with the arctic blast of an unwarmed wipe. (And even if you don’t warm up your wipes at all, your baby still won’t suffer the very rare disease of icicle ass.)
2. A Bottle Warmer
By the time you read all the instructions and figure out what level you need to boop it on and for how many minutes for however many ounces you mixed or pumped, you could have warmed it in the sink with hot water. Spend that $30 on an hour of babysitting and a large pizza instead.
3. Baby Shoes
Babies do not walk. People who do not walk do not need shoes.
4. Expensive Burp Cloths
Let’s be clear: These are for you. If you want your child to vomit on tiny quilted elephants, that’s totally fine, but your baby seriously does not care. Get the massive bag of cheap white raglike ones and fliing them about with joyful abandon, knowing that each one did not cost you the equivalent of four Starbucks lattes (you will need the lattes more).
5. Anything from Restoration Hardware
Everything is triple-washed organic hand-sewn linen-blend alpaca, sure, but you know what it really is? Very, very expensive stuff for your baby to destroy. Don’t do it.
Editor’s Note: We’re so excited to have blogger Jordan Reid and illustrator Erin Williams guest posting for us again! If you love their humor like we do, then check out their new book, “The Big Fat Activity Book for Pregnant People.” Better yet, join us at our BLOOM event on May 7th to pick up your FREE copy, as well as tons of other goodies that you really will want to have for you and your baby. Then, go buy more copies of their book for your girlfriends, so they don’t try to borrow yours. Get your BLOOM tix here.
JORDAN REID is the founding editor of the lifestyle blog Ramshackle Glam and the author of two parenting and style memoirs. Her hobbies include unfortunately timed blushing, coming up with reasons to not shave her legs, and darts. She lives in California with her husband and two children, mostly so that she can wear flip-flops in the winter.
